Smile Notes

Smile Notes is updated as often as my keynote speaking/emcee schedule permits. When you subscribe you will be sent an email verification link from FeedBlitz to confirm your FREE subscription. Enjoy!

[1] Tony-isms to Ponder ... [Click here for simple instructions on how to create your own "-isms".]

Adversity: "Adversity University has a steep tuition, but the diploma is priceless."
- Tony Brigmon

Appreciation: "You can appreciate what you have or berate what you don't. One will leave you feeling good ... the other won't!"
- Tony Brigmon

Attitude: "You cannot find the positive looking for the negative."
- Tony Brigmon

Attitude: "You cannot authenticate what you refuse to investigate."
- Tony Brigmon

Change: "Just because it aint broke doesn't mean we can't improve it."
- Tony Brigmon

[2] Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day? Shared with me my alert humor finder Martin Howey ...

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

[1] Tony-isms to Ponder ... [Click here for simple instructions on how to create your own "-isms".]

"Many times the steps that succeed are revealed by the steps that dont." - Tony Brigmon

"We become perfect for each other to the degree we stop fighting each others imperfections." - Tony Brigmon

"The greatest secrets you can ever keep are the unkind words you are tempted to speak." - Tony Brigmon

-=+=-

[2] Fun Quotes ...

(Some of these were shared with me by alert humorous quote finder Martin Howey. Others seen at CleanLaffs.com)

"The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere." - Unknown

"They have luggage stores in airports. Who forgets their suitcase? Have you ever seen a guy with an armload of shirts going, 'Hurray, a suitcase?'" - Jay Mohr

"The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life." - Jerry Seinfeld

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
- Student answer on science exam

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
- Student answer on science exam

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
- Student answer on science exam

-=+=-

I urgently needed a few days off, but knew the boss would not allow
me to take sick leave. I thought maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling
and made funny noises.

My coworker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss would think I was crazy and let me have a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?" I told him that I was a light bulb. He said, "You are
clearly stressed out. Go home and get some rest for a few days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the boss said to her, "And where do you think you are going?"

Brace yourself ...

She said, "I am going home, too, I can't work in the dark!"

This is what happens when the children take away the car. (Shared with me by alert humor finder Darlene Jensen.)

[5] Next time you're last in line ... be happy! (Shared with me by alert humor finder Rex Morris.)

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE.

BE HAPPY!!

"Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened. Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand.

The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement. The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.

Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members excâ€hanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients. Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited. Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.

"Who was that man?" he asked.

The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered. "No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."

"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."

[7] Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. (Shared with me by alert humor finder Martin Howey.)

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to read Smile Notes. At least not all day!

While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter, I
noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me.
As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get
them to calm down.

Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent
asked her, "Have any of the items you plan to take with you
on this flight been out of your immediate control since your
arrival at the airport?"

The young mother replied honestly, "The luggage, no; the
children, yes."

[1] Tony-isms to Ponder ... [Click here for simple instructions on how to create your own "-isms".]

"'There YOU are' will take you far. ˜Here I am ¦ what a sham!" - Tony Brigmon

"Speak to their eyes when you say ˜I was wrong. Speak to their heart when you say ˜I love you." - Tony Brigmon

"Fight is not the best tool for disagreement, but ˜polite is the best approach." - Tony Brigmon

"If you would keep the dispute minute, make ˜win-win the pursuit." - Tony Brigmon

[2] The following were seen at www.cleanlaffs.com.

"Some people have a way with words, and other people ... not have way." - Steve Martin

"In Florida a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When asked if she knew who she was running against, she said, "Time." - Conan O'Brien

"A new medical study has found that clowns in an operating room are beneficial to recovery of young patients. The reason is that kids think, 'Wow, at least I'm not him.'" - Conan O'Brien

"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the groom." - David Gunter

Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won't hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit.

Judge: "Was the child born out of wedlock?"

Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville."

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

[3] Shared with me by alert humor finder Phil Davidson. And the guy at the end of this story could have easily been me ...

At the gates of heaven was a massive crowd waiting excitingly to enter Paradise. God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: one line, for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line, for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family, and yet of all of you, only one obeyed me. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here ¦"

-=+=-

[4] Shared with me by alert humor finder Jacquie Brigmon, my daughter-in-law. Too funny for those of us computer illiterate not to share!

Abbott & Costello in 2006

You don't have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello to fully
appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our
computers, enjoy as you read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START

[1] Tony-isms to Ponder ... [Click here for simple instructions on how to create your own "-isms".]

"The date you love to talk to could be the mate to say ˜I do to."    - Tony Brigmon

"Love at first sight is not the same as ˜luv at first sight. While both are possible, only love endures."    - Tony Brigmon

"An un-confessed mistake is a bigger mistake."    - Tony Brigmon

"If you spend all you have and believe all you hear, you're in for a very disappointing year."    - Tony Brigmon

"You cannot lose if you dont lose the lesson."    - Tony Brigmon

"The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got
married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four
million got divorced because of somebody they met online." - Jay Leno

"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China and India a re starving.'
I tell my daughters, 'Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving
for your job.'" - Thomas Friedman

"In France, rioters looted stores. Actually to be politically correct you cannot call
them looters anymore. You know have to call them undocumented shoppers." - Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday, President Bush told the Iraqi people to 'get governin'. Then
he introduced his new speech writer, Larry the Cable Guy." - Conan O'Brien

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ...

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a
lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where
were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand.
"I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there
is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the
night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"

I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned
to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.

"Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage,"
I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting
until it's too late."

"I know," he replied. "I've had three cantaloupes."

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her
mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to
acess the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it
could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's
true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's
mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen
feeling?"

[1] Tony-isms to Ponder ... [Click here for simple instructions on how to create your own "-isms".]

Success: "Some dream of success. Others dream and work hard for success. If you're gonna bet, bet on the latter."
- Tony Brigmon

Success: "Your success is the best revenge for those who would crush your dreams."
- Tony Brigmon

Stupidity: "Stupid will go repeatedly where Dumb will only go once."
- Tony Brigmon

Stupidity: "Dumb is superior to Stupid because experience will cure Dumb."
- Tony Brigmon

"I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But
just before I went under I heard the one thing you don't
want to hear, 'Where's my lucky scalpel?'" - Jonathan Ketz

"Today on MSNBC they posted an article: "How to Avoid a Bear
Attack." Number one tip: "never surprise a bear". Like if
it's his birthday, the whole surprise party is bad, just give
him a gift...they hate the "Booo!" - Jay Leno

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl
would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it
stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." - Gene Perret

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ...

An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the
Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the
stocks?"

To which a small voice from the back of the room responded:
"The small investor."

WINDOW SIGN:

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 100,000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN! "

Doesn't that just make you see red???

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business . .. and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back?

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. .

We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer:

A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

You gotta love it!!!

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

[5] And finally for all of you who are still buried in "action items" to complete before year-end, here's something you can probably relate to. Click here to view Windows media clip.

[Tony-isms are Truths (ideas) captured in my own words. When you rewrite a meaningful quote in your own words, you make the Truth of that quote your own. Once this habit of rewriting ideas in a variety of ways is established, you will indeed become a *Wizard of Wisdom. (*Wizard: "A skilled or clever person: a wizard at math; a sage.")

Accountability
"When they get it right, commend. When they get it wrong, correct. When they get it consistently right, celebrate!" “ Tony Brigmon

Accountability
"If you think you dont need to do an accountability check, you need a check-up from the neck-up!" “ Tony Brigmon

Achievement
"When you become willing to do whatever it takes to achieve, you will achieve. Hint: Whatever it takes is doable when you break the big steps down into ones that are doable." “ Tony Brigmon

Admitting Mistakes
"An honest proclamation is more disarming than a counter accusation. Its hard to argue with, ˜You know youre right. I can find some Truth in what you say, and Ill work on it. Thank you." - Tony Brigmon

Burnout
"Run faster than you are able and youll be unable to finish the race “ a race you could have finished “ had you stuck with a doable pace." “ Tony Brigmon

-=+=-

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid..

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

-=+=-

"How come people want to take the God out of Easter but no one wants to take the Satan out of Halloween?" - Jay Leno

"The only comfort you can take from eating at a Denny's is that you know for sure that all over America, everyone else at a Denny's is just as unhappy as you are." - Drew Carey

"[The tax code] is a monstrosity and there's only one thing to do with it. Scrap it, kill it, drive a stake through its heart, bury it and hope it never rises again to terrorize the American people." - Steve Forbes

"Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them,
HMOs." - Bill Maher

[5] A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something
pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got the energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[6] In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

A ventriloquist was performing a number of blonde jokes in a nightclub and the crowd was in stitches. But in the middle of the act, a blonde came forward saying "It's unfair for you to demean an entire class of people simply by the color of their hair. We have feelings too, and deserve the dignity and respect that you would give all of God's creatures".

The ventriloquist, quite chastened, looked sheepishly up at the blonde and said "I'm sorry, you're right. I won't do this part of the act anymore".

The blonde looked at him and said "Stay out of this, pal. This is between me and the little guy on your knee".

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

[8] These are really impressive blunders by famous people. It just goes to show that public speaking isnt easy, especially when they put you on the spot!

On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey

``````````````````````````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

``````````````````````````````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

``````````````````````````````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

``````````````````````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?
Share this with your brilliant friends.
I just did!!

[9] Well worth the read and the video.

Strongest Dad in the World

[From Sports Illustrated, By Rick Reilly]

I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligan. Work nights to pay for their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots. But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck.

Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars -- all in the same day.

Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. on a bike. Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

And what has Rick done for his father? Not much”except save his life.

This love story began in Winchester, Mass., 43 years ago, when Rick was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs.

``He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told him and his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. ``Put him in an institution.''

But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was anything to help the boy communicate. ``No way,'' Dick says he was told. "There's nothing going on in his brain.''

"Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a lot was going on in his brain.

Rigged up with a computer that allowed him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? ``Go Bruins!'' And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the school organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, ``Dad, I want to do that.''

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described ``porker'' who never ran more than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he tried. ``Then it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. ``I was sore for two weeks.''

That day changed Rick's life. ``Dad,'' he typed, ``when we were running, it felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!''

And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

``No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then they found a way to get into the race officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the qualifying time for Boston the following year.

Then somebody said, ``Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?''

How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick tried.

Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii. It must be a buzz-kill to be a 25-year-old stud getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? ``No way,'' he says. Dick does it purely for ``the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with a cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best time'? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992 -- only 35 minutes off the world record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the time.

``No question about it,'' Rick types. ``My dad is the Father of the Century.''

And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries was 95% clogged. ``If you hadn't been in such great shape,'' one doctor told him, ``you probably would've died 15 years ago.''

So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.

Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass., always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day.

That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy.

``The thing I'd most like,'' Rick types, ``is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once.''

Here's the video. Grab a Kleenex, maybe two:

In 1893, Chicago hired its first police woman. Her name was Marie Owens. While the city was progressive in its hiring practices, Chicago's female police officers were not allowed to wear uniforms until 1956.

Babe Ruth was one of only two people (Reggie Jackson being the other) to ever hit three home runs in a World Series game, and is the only one to do it twice (1926 and 1928).

In the winter of 1724, while on an outing at sea, Peter the Great of Russia caught sight of a foundering ship, jumped in the water, and helped in the rescue. He caught cold, suffered from high fever, and died several weeks later.

Thomas Edison, "the Wizard of Menlo Park," established an "invention factory," the first industrial research laboratory, with the hope of producing a new invention every ten days. In one 4-year period, he obtained 300 patents, or one every five days.

Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries.

[1] Created and shared by Tony Brigmon; [2-8] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.); [9] Shared with me by Ray and Mary Ann McAllister; [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

Achievement
"The secret to getting ahead is to stop looking behind." - Tony Brigmon

Admitting Mistakes
"Its the mistake you dont admit that people will not forget. Admit it “ then quit it."
“ Tony Brigmon

Adversity
"It is what it is until it aint. And it would if it could but it cant “ until it can “ and then it will “ and thats the deal."
“ Tony Brigmon

Adversity
"To win the fight with adversity, you must spot the lie of adversity. When you spot it you got it “ but until you do, its got you!"
“ Tony Brigmon

[2] My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."

And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

[3] When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.

"How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."

"They do a lot of animal testing in the cosmetics industry, maybe they should brag about it in their commercials.

'Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a spider monkey, it can make your hair look luscious!'" - Vernon Chapman

"The sure way to tell if a man is a bachelor is to check his silverware. If it's chewed up from going through the garbage disposal a few times, he's for real." - Nick Arnette

"Recent studies have found that a diet high in soy beans and soy sauce can result in infertility in men. Which that goes to explain China's low population." - Conan O'Brien

"Experts in Washington say that if the coast guard's ships aren't replaced soon, they will be unable to keep drugs and illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that should ever happen “ imagine what this place would be like if illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?" - Jay Leno

"Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech on the dangers of global warming. His exact words were, 'Fire...hot...bad!'" - Conan O'Brien

"It's graduation time in New York City and many of the students here are honor students. Yes your honor, no your honor, not guilty your honor." - Dave Letterman

"United Airlines might be leaving the city of Chicago. The good news is that they will be leaving from O'Hare so they will not depart for another six years." - Conan o'Brien

"A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually raise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month's Journal of Things that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month." - Dennis Miller

"Voters in Los Angeles elected a new mayor -- Antonio Villaraigosa. Voters admitted they only voted for him because they want to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger pronounce it." - Conan O'Brien

"Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine Dead in Interstate Pileup.'" - Jay Leno

I hated math. Math teachers would ask me questions: "Can you tell us the common denominator here?"
"Yeah, we all think this stinks." - Unknown

[5] My father was extremely nervous about his first funeral service as a Navy chaplain, but the undertaker assured him that he would prompt him. All went well until, at the close, the undertaker whispered to him to instruct the family to come up and view the body. "Will the family now come forward and pass around the bier," said my father.

He cringed inwardly when he heard his own words. Later, as my father was leaving, he overheard two of the cemetery workers talking. "I didn't get any beer," one said. "Did you?"

"You heard the chaplain," the other replied. "It was just for the family."

-=+=-

[6] Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD

Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an "I" between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD.

About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.

The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.

The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.

The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him! We got him!"

A marine biologist was telling his friends about some of his most recent research findings. "Some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles," he said.

"What the heck would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked his sarcastic friend.

"I can't be sure," he expert said, "but it sounds something like 'Can you hear me now?'"

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"

A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

-=+=-

[8] I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students: Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?

After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand. "This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, when my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."

[9] My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

-=+=-

Only two women directors have been nominated for an Oscar by the Academy for achievement in directing: Lina Wertmuller in 1976 for Seven Beauties and Jane Campion in 1993 for The Piano. To date, no woman has won an Oscar for directing.

Although only about 6 percent of women fail to cry at least once a month, 50 percent of men fail to cry that often.

Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone, was originally an instructor for deaf children and invented the telephone to help his deaf wife and mother to hear.

Mel Blanc ” the voice of Bugs Bunny ” was allergic to carrots. After a near-fatal auto accident in 1961, Blanc did his cartoon voices, including the first 65 episodes of "The Flintstones," flat on his back, with the microphone hanging over his bed.

The Stratosphere Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada is 1,149 feet tall, making it the tallest building west of the Mississippi River.

[1] Created and shared by Tony Brigmon; [2-9] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.); [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow". - Anonymous

We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer, theologian and writer (1906-1945)

I fear nothing. I hope for nothing. I am free. - Nikos Kazantzakis, poet and novelist (1883-1957)

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. - Confucius (Chinese Philosopher) 551-479 B.C.

There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up. - Booker T. Washington

[2] The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.

"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?"

"Yes," she answered. "Come to think of it...there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him."

"And, when was that?"

"When he asked for the second cup."

[3] Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD.

Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD.

About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.

I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for beetles?" I asked the clerk. "No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."

"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'Woman'." - Steven Wright

"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day." - Jay Leno

"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film." - Cynthia Levin

"I'm really upset with the restaurant parking attendants. They won't validate my feelings." - Scott Wood

[5] A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.

[6] An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote,
"No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

-=+=

[8] A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

TB: "The mind thrives on ˜there. The body thrives on ˜here. And since its only in the NOW where problems disappear', stay here.�

TB: "To look for the *good* in another is to water the seeds of good in another. The same principle applies when for looking for the *bad*. The seeds you water will grow.�

TB: "I always have what I need. If I don't have it, I don't need it. How do I know when I need it? When I have it. When I live this way life is definitely more fun."

TB: "Resistance perpetuates adverse conditions and behavior in self and others. Acceptance transforms them.�

Christmas caroling began as an old English custom called Wassailing ” toasting neighbors to a long and healthy life.

A giant Pacific octopus can fit its entire body through an opening no bigger than the size of its beak.

Traditionally, a Jewish baby is not named for a living person. There is a concern that the "Angel of Death" will mistake the infant for the older person if the names are the same.

The first black-and-white motion picture to be digitally converted to color was Yankee Doodle Dandy, the 1942 biopic of entertainer George M. Cohen.

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. - Voltaire, philosopher (1694-1778)

Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure that there is one less scoundrel in the world. - Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) Scottish Writer

Are there not... Two points in the adventure of the diver: One -- when a beggar, he prepares to plunge? Two -- when a prince, he rises with his pearl? I plunge! - Robert Browning

Every man's work, whether it be literature or music or pictures or architecture or anything else, is always a portrait of himself. - Samuel Butler (1835-1902) English Writer

"I can't do it" never yet accomplished anything: "I will try" has accomplished wonders. - George P. Burnham

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."

[3] Subject: Who's on first revisited

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

"On a quail hunting trip in Texas, Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78 year old lawyer. In fact when people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92 percent!" - Jay Leno

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard

"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great scent. It's called New Car Interior." - Rita Rudner

"American Idol actually did better in the ratings than the Grammy's. So people would rather see regular people do a bad job of singing than famous people do a good job of lip syncing." - Jay Leno

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them." - Joseph Heller

My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise. It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr." - Unknown

"Good news for out-of-towners. Crime in New York City is at an all time low. The bad news is that it's our leading industry." - Dave Letterman

"Cured ham? No thanks, pal. Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on my plate?" - Tommy Sledge

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."
- E. B. White

"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off." - Buzz Nutley

[5] Traveling through Spain, my friend Amy and I soaked up the culture, gorged ourselves on excellent food and, basically,
indulged our every whim. One day, we walked into a shop that had the most gorgeous coats.

As we tried a few on, we noticed the odd looks we were getting from the shopkeepers. We didn't know why, until one kind English-speaking patron took pity on us.

"Excuse me," she said, "This is a dry cleaners."

[6] "Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

[8] "Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way." - Harry Hill

TB: "There is a gift from God in every experience, but you have to remove the wrapping to find it.�

TB: "Appreciation unexpressed blesses neither the deserved recipient nor the reluctant giver.�

TB: "To make a truth yours, restate it in your own words and then share it with another.�

The marquees of the fifty largest casinos and hotels in Las Vegas use enough electricity to run more than a thousand average U.S. homes.

If 80 percent of your liver were to be removed, the remaining part would continue to function. Within a few months, the liver would have reconstituted itself to its original size.

When actor Michael J. Fox first auditioned for the TV series Family Ties, he was $35,000 in debt and living on macaroni and cheese.

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.); [2-8] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.); [9] Created and shared by Tony Brigmon; [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself. - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Irish Playwright

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going. - Beverly Sills (1929-) American Opera Singer

The great thing and the hard thing is to stick to things when you have outlived the first interest, and not yet got the second, which comes with a sort of mastery. - Janet Erskine Stuart

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence. - Helen Keller (1880-1968) American Writer

As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. - Thomas A. Edison (1847-1931) American Inventor

-=+=-

[2] A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

[3] The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside
and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking
for $150."

"If I ever got divorced, on the singles scene I'd be worth about as much as an eight-track at a garage sale." - Robert G. Lee

Minister at a funeral service, "Friends, let us say goodbye to our beloved, departed friend. Let us remember that here
lies only the shell--the nut has gone!" - Unknown

"The rioters are said to be upset because they are immigrants who have been treated poorly by the French. What?
French people treating foreigners rudely? I can't believe that!" - Jay Leno

"Regis Philbin and Donald Trump have recorded a CD full of Christmas music. It's doing very well overseas. The police
in Paris are using it to disperse rioters." - Dave Letterman

"You usually know who's going to win pro-wrestling--the guy with the best nickname. Here, from Philadelphia, comes the
iron man, Mike 'The Hammer' Armstrong, and his opponent, all the way from Scranton...Eugene!" - Dan Wilson

"CNN is reporting that Bill Gates, the richest man in the world has received a raise from Microsoft. Gates says that
he is happy about the raise and now he can finally buy that Canada he's had his eye on." - Conan O'Brien

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home." - Unknown

[5] If you have sound, turn it ON and copy and paste the following link to your web browser to enjoy a great video/audio Thanksgiving smile.

*** If you don't have sound, use your imagination as this is a rendition to the tune "I Will Survive."

[6] While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told
him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.

That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."

Walking home one night, this guy hears a, "Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?"

Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbor holding onto a restless and agitated pig. "What the heck are you
planning to do with that?" he asks.

"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub."

"Why do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"

"Well, you see, it's my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has
shot up again...she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the East again ... she says I know! I tell her
Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too. Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up
before me, I'll wait for her to come running to me screaming 'THERE'S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE'S A PIG IN BATH!'"

And I'll just turn to her and say, "Yeah, I know!"

A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will.

At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."

I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening
a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious).

Her and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison
dishes. I was going to call it, "The Buck Stops Here," and my slogan was going to be, "Bambi: You've seen the movie.
Now, eat the star!"

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I
supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work
or leaving?"

[8] I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the
driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."

Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty
easy!"

She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"

She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"

TB: "Resistance to reality will not reveal the lesson of reality, but it will keep you repeating that lesson over and over again.�

TB: "Be still and know. You can only be *still* in the NOW. You can only *know* in the NOW. Stillness and knowing both happen in the NOW. NOW is where its at.�

TB: "If you want access to Truth, stay here in the NOW. If you want the superficial thrill of mental movies and ultimately the negative consequences of adverse thoughts, go elsewhere.�

TB: "Resistance says, ˜This should not be happening right now. Truth says, ˜It should, because it is. Truth is right. Only when we accept the truth of reality can we deal with it effectively.�

In the film industry, a "chute cowboy" is a slang expression for experienced parachutists that either perform or assist with stunts involving parachutes.

The Studebaker auto company produced a car called the "Dictator" from 1927“1936.

The name Paraguay means "a place with a great river" in the Guarani Indian language.

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.); [2-8] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.); [9] Created and shared by Tony Brigmon; [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many--not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some. - Charles Dickens (1812-1870) English Novelist

Remember that if the opportunities for great deeds should never come, the opportunities for good deeds are renewed day by day. The thing for us to long for is the goodness, not the glory. - F.W. Faber

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. -Don Marquis, humorist and poet (1878-1937)

What can be added to the happiness of a man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith (1723-1790)

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. - Harriet Beecher Stowe, abolitionist and novelist (1811-1896)

[2] Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
    You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
    come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
    people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run
    outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

[3] A guy was hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was
nobody behind the wheel! Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again. He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same restaurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look, isn't that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?"

"Today on MSNBC they posted an article: "How to Avoid a Bear Attack." Number one tip: "never surprise a bear". Like if it's his birthday, the whole surprise party is bad, just give him a gift...they hate the "Booo!" - Jay Leno

"If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left-handed people are in their right
mind." - Unknown

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
- Joseph Heller

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian." - Dennis Wholey

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me." - Elayne Boosler

"Let's start off with some good news - North Korea has agreed to halt their nuclear weapons program. The bad news they're going to keep making the Kia." - Jay Leno

"A recent study has found that the country of England has a shortage of dentists. But it was also found that England has
a shortage of teeth - so it works out." - Conan O'Brien

"According to the 'Wall Street Journal', researchers at Harvard have found an enzyme in the brain that regulates
obesity. They said if it wasn't for our brains, we would all be thin. That's why supermodels are so skinny." - Jay Leno

"He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake." --Raymond Chandler

"He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, and a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead." - Voltaire

"Sylvester Stallone is going to make "Rocky: 6"...I believe in this one he's going to fight Angela Lansbury." --Jay Leno

[5] One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student at the University of Illinois. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from our son in college, we have to go to the bank!"

[6] Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate
the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to
cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as
the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist...for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.

An old couple was just settling in to bed one night when the phone rang.

The husband got out of bed and went into the living room to answer the phone. His wife could hear him say, "Hello?"
Then he said, "Sure is." Then he hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" and then he said, "Sure is." And again he hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

The wife asked who it was.

The man said he didn't know.

The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say?"

He said, "It's odd, a woman just keeps saying, 'Long distance from Chicago..'"

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

A minister had just finished an excellent fried chicken dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a
rooster come strutting through the yard.

"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented.

"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud - one of his sons just entered the ministry."

[8] Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, John was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat does the United States export?

Smiling confidently, John wrote, "In 1492, none."

[9] Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click.'"

-=+=-

A poll taken shows that between 74 and 94 percent of workers in the United States and Canada take 5 to 15 minutes daily for a morning coffee break. The coffee break in the workplace did not become common until the early 1940s.

In the Swahili culture, the day starts at sunrise which, in East Africa, being exactly at the equator, happens every day at approximately 6:00 a.m. For that reason, 6:00 a.m. is 0:00 a.m. Swahili time.

Tonto addressed the Lone Ranger using the words kemo sabe ” meaning Trusty Scout.

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.); [2-9] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.); [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

They defend their errors as if they were defending their inheritance. - Edmund Burke, statesman and writer (1729-1797)

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage. The mere act of believing that some wrongful course of action constitutes an advantage is pernicious. - Marcus Tullius Cicero, statesman, orator, writer (106-43 BCE)

In order to discover new lands, one must be willing to lose sight of the shore for a very long time. - Andre Gide (1869“1951) French Writer

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view. - Harper Lee, writer (1926- )

[2] Laws of Life:

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as
an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or
absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect
on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing some-
thing else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the
grocery bag.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet
the boss in the parking lot.

[3] After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?"
he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something
really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

[4] More fun quotes...

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it
stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." - Gene Perret

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband. - Unknown

"There is no such thing as an attention span. People have infinite attention as long as you are entertaining them!" - Jerry Seinfeld

"I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: 'This door is alarmed.' I said to myself: 'How do you think I feel?'" - Arnold Brown

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." - Woody Allen

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates
for that position until the Boss's daughter finishes her summer classes. - Unknown

After delivering a lecture on drawing, I gave my art class its assignment--complete a self-portrait. A young man in
the front row raised his hand and asked, "Of anyone?" - Unknown

"I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are just as scared of me as I am of them; they just show it
differently. They show it by barking and snapping at me, and I show it by wetting myself." - Dakota Shepard

[5] In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all
at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and
he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

[6] My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was
getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going
to tell anybody about this!"

As his destroyer entered fabled Pearl Harbor, my friend stood alongside a rather cocky lieutenant and the Hawaiian
harbor pilot.

"So, tell me," said the lieutenant to the pilot, "is your state pronounced 'Huh-Wi-ee' or 'Huh-VI-ee'? "

"We say 'Huh-VI-ee.' " the pilot answered.

"And that sign over there," asked the lieutenant, pointing ashore, "is it pronounced 'Pi-PEE-Lie-Nee'?"

"Well, you could say it that way," replied the pilot. "But we Huh-Vi-ans usually just say 'pipeline.'"

My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you
never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds.
Please promise me you'll try to work on that."

The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how
she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and
passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and
places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps that have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he
says as puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.

"Oh, no!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"

[8] An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the
stocks?"

To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."

[9] When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my
dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

Because Napoleon believed that armies marched on their stomachs, he offered a prize in 1795 for a practical way of preserving food. The prize was won by a French inventor, Nicholas Appert. What he devised was canning. It was the beginning of the canned food industry of today.

Hanging in folds when empty, the stomach can stretch to accommodate more than a quart of food.

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.); [2-9] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.); [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand. - Emily Kimbrough, author and broadcaster (1899-1989)

What ought one to say then as each hardship comes? I was practicing for this, I was training for this. - Epictetus (55-135 AD) Roman Philosopher

True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess. - Louis Nizer, lawyer (1902-1994)

[2] One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

[3] Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other
end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"

"That's right," he called back, "two pints."

"It was reported that nearly two out of ten men and four out of ten women of recruiting age are too fat for the
military. To meet goals, the Army may change its slogan: An Army of one - the size of two." - Jay Leno

"A company is now making a cell phone that allows you to talk to your dog. It enables you to talk to your dog. The
way it works is that first you have to be insane." - Dave Letterman

"Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake. Then you
make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?" - George Carlin

"I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, 'We're going to
be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!'" - Unknown

She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and
said, "Does this look natural?" - Unknown

"The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: There shall be a National Anthem containing in-
comprehensible words and a high note that normal humans can not hit without risk of a hernia." - Dave Barry

[5] When Little Johnny's family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked him how he liked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Billy has his own room, and Jenny has her own room. But poor Mom is still
in with Dad."

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas
the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer
after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful
fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and
took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see
how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the
lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at
Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game
warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"

A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first would you marry again?"

"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?"

"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not! He's left-handed!"

A piece of string walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him, "Hey buddy! We don't serve pieces of string here! Can't you read the sign?" And he kicks the piece of string out of the bar.

So the string is outside the bar, and decides to create a disguise for himself to get inside. He ties his head in a
knot, and brushes out the end on top and walks confidently back into the bar and sits down.

The bartender walks up to him handing him a drink, and looking suspiciously at him, says "Hey... weren't you that
piece of string I kicked out of here just a little while ago?"

The piece of string replies, "No, I'm afraid not!"

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm
for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found
the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very
satisfied."

There was this blonde who was out driving and found herself out in the country. She drove by a farmer standing next
to a large impressive-looking animal and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone. "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of
damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

[8] Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to
the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind
them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured
I'd better run too!"

TB: "If were only as sick as we are secret, as time will surely tell, then to have no more secrets is the sure way to get well.�

TB: œWork with a good plan to achieve success. Work without a plan to achieve frustration."

TB: œLooking on the bright side will not only improve your vision, but it also will help your heart.�

The first American publisher of valentines was printer and artist Esther Howland. During the 1870s, her elaborate lace cards were purchased by the wealthy, as they cost a minimum of 5 dollars ” some sold for as much as 35 dollars. Mass production eventually brought prices down, and the affordable "penny valentine" became popular with the lower classes.

The Eiffel Tower is painted approximately once every 7 years and requires nearly 50 tons of paint each time. It is one of the most popular tourist attractions in Paris, visited by more than six million people per year.

Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave.

The Indian epic poem the "Mahabhrata" is eight times longer than "The Iliad" and "The Odyssey" combined.

The squirrel monkey's brain accounts for roughly 5 percent of its body weight ” the largest percentage of any other animal. The human brain, by comparison, makes up about 2.3 percent of body weight.

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.); [2-8] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.); [9] (Created and shared by Tony Brigmon) [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun. - Mary Lou Cook

It is wonderful to be in on the creation of something, see it used, and then walk away and smile at it. - Lady Bird Johnson (1912- ) American First Lady

Doubt everything at least once, even the proposition that two times two equals four. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg, scientist and philosopher (1742-1799)

Man is so made that whenever anything fires his soul, impossibilities vanish. - Jean de la Fontaine

Those who, relying upon themselves only, not looking for assistance to anyone besides themselves, it is they who will reach the top-most height. - Buddha

Let everyone sweep in front of his own door and the whole world will be clean. - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

[2] A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

Accident Report.

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting
form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust
that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks
down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the
building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of
bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise
at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless
to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collar-
bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold
tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my
weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations
of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the
pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there
on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope!

"I have a friend whose life is so boring, he has a bumper sticker on his car that says, 'Hit me. I need the excitement.'" - Bill Jones

"A weekend update correction. Last week all 29 stories we reported were incorrect, our apologies." - Kevin Nealon, Saturday Night Live

"Well the big story, the Los Angeles Police Department announced they will no longer arrest famous people who break the law. What's the point?" - Jay Leno

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well." - Robert Benchley

"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another." - George Carlin

"Kevin McBride defeated Mike Tyson Saturday night. Did you see it? Whew! What happened to Tyson? That desk clerk in New York put up a better fight against Russell Crowe." - Jay Leno

[5] A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to save the beloved old box.

I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my
arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up. Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head
out the window...

"I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."

[6] One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.'

Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.

The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"

A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"

In Washington State, a little north of Seattle, is a river called the Stillaguamish, but it wasn't always called that.
It was originally named "Aguamish" after a local Indian tribe.

When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told
them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area.

Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river:

"Chief, I've been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed
because they couldn't pronounce the names. Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, " Lewis pleaded.

"Oh," replied the chief. "It's Stillaguamish."

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about
landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It
was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth
50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole
measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing
like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a
parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

[8] An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and
to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

TB: œThe best way to teach patience to your children is to exercise it with them.�

TB: œShow a keen interest in people and people will have a keen interest in you.�

TB: œPeople will remember your acts of kindness long after they have forgotten your words.�

TB: œYou may move away from your true friends but never out of their hearts.�

TB: œWhen you meet an important need, you become important indeed¦in the eyes of the recipient."

The only American president to graduate from the U.S. Naval Academy was Jimmy Carter, who graduated in the class of 1946.

Historians claim that the first valentine was a poem sent in 1415 by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife. He was imprisoned in the Tower of London at the time. In the United States, Miss Esther Howland is given credit for sending the first valentine's cards. Commercial valentines were introduced in the 1800's and now the date is very commercialized. The town of Loveland, Colorado, does a large post office business around February 14.

Abraham Lincoln's political experience before he became president was a two-year term in the House of Representatives.

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.); [2-8] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.); [9] (Created and shared by Tony Brigmon) [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

Uncommon valor was a common virtue. - Saying etched into the Iwo Jimo Memorial, in tribute to the marines who fought in World War Two. Arlington, Virginia, USA.

I am, indeed, a king, because I know how to rule myself. - Pietro Aretino, satirist and dramatist (1492-1556)

It is good to dream, but it is better to dream and work. Faith is mighty, but action with faith is mightier. - Thomas Robert Gaines

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. - Hans Hofmann, painter (1880-1966)

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. - General George S. Patton

[2] Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the diploma's, he requested, "Will all the 'cum laudes' please stand up?"

My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

"You hear about this? Marvel Comics has forced Hulk Hogan to stop calling himself "Hulk." And for similar reasons, I can no longer call myself 'Wonder Woman.'" - Dave Letterman

"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great “ there goes the sex appeal." - Dave Letterman

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." - E. B. White

"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid." - P. J. O'Rourke

"I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route to India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if you make a call from Europe to a company in America today - it's re-routed to India." - Jay Leno

"It was a beautiful day here in New York. It was so nice out that the writer of this joke left for the day to go to the park and didn't finish it." - Dave Letterman

"Baseball season begins this weekend... If you think about it, I love everything about baseball. I love the resin, I love the pine tar, I love the steroids... And that's just in the hot dogs." - Dave Letterman

And sometimes, pictures say it best: (Shared by alert humor finder Martin Howey.)

[5] Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?"

One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there." [Reader's Digest.]

[6] A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

"What are you talking about?" Bill says, "That's not your aunt! That's a picture of a fish!"

"Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again."

A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit him.

It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited.

The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead.

Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting. The Pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire.

Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said, with a tear running down his cheek, "Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next Sunday."

We live in a world today, which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen. Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left unspoken.

TB: œYou must first become a student of self before you can become a teacher to others.�

TB: œTo win with understanding is to continue to win. To win without understanding is luck."

A head tap gesture in Argentina and Peru means "I'm thinking" or "Think." Elsewhere, it can mean "He's crazy."

Nineteenth president of the United States, Rutherford B. Hayes gained the presidency (1877-1881) by a margin of only one electoral vote. His middle name was Birchard.

In Japan, the dragonfly symbolizes good luck, courage and manliness. Japanese warriors often wore the dragonfly emblem in battle.

Based on research with the human body's internal clock, the period between the hours of 4 and 6 in the afternoon is when people are the most irritable. Evidence has shown that more human bites are treated in hospitals at this time of the day than any other.

Peter Ilich Tchaikovsky was financed by a wealthy widow for thirteen years. She stipulated that they never meet and they didn't.

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.); [2-7] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.); [8] (Shared by Teresa Overall); [9] (Created and shared by Tony Brigmon) [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them. - Malcolm Forbes (1919-1990) American Publisher

Little progress can be made by merely attempting to repress what is evil; our great hope lies in developing what is good. - Calvin Coolidge

The nobler sort of man emphasizes the good qualities in others, and does not accentuate the bad. The inferior does the reverse. - Confucius (551-479 BC) Chinese Philosopher

Never let your zeal outrun your charity. The former is but human, the latter is divine. - Hosea Ballou, preacher (1771-1852)

What is now proved was once only imagined. - William Blake (1757-1827) English Poet

[2] "I've been studying up on some of my Las Vegas facts - did you know, on the average, 151 people get married every day in Las Vegas. One hundred and fifty-one. You know, shouldn't that be an even number? Maybe I'm wrong." --Jay Leno

[3] A peculiar posting appeared one day on the company bulletin board. It read: Used tombstone for sale. Ideal for Person Named "Murphy."

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." - Woody Allen

"My son has a new nickname for me, 'Baldy.' I've got a new word for him...'heredity.'" - Dan Savage

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." - Bill Cosby

"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath. 'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'" - Brad Stine

"I can't seem to bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle." - Robert Benchley

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" - Dave Barry

"Never eat any place where they mark the restroom doors in any way but "Men" and "Women" or "Ladies" and "Gentlemen." Especially don't eat in a restaurant that specializes in seafood and marks its restroom doors "Buoys" and "Gulls," because they have been too busy thinking up cutesy names for the restroom doors to really pay attention to the food." - Louis Grizzard

"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." - Jay Leno

"A recent study has found that some girls start to learn cruelty and manipulation as young as three years old “ or as Martha Stewart calls them - 'late bloomers'." - Conan O'Brien

"Scrapie is another excellent word. Scrapie clearly couldn't mean anything but a disease. Though, on reflection, it might be a Scottish cut, as in, 'e fell down and got a wee scrapie on his knee." - Bill Bryson

[5] Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

[6] "The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when the man grows the hair on one side of his head very long and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect that looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large tropical spider." - Dave Barry

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: 'Nun of Your Business.'

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."

Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."

A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you¦" The prisoner says. "Okay. What's the bad news?" œThe bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution...you go to the chair at 7 PM tonight." "Oh, that's horrible. What possibly could be the good news?"

[8] I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"

She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"

TB: œWe choose our way into an addiction, and we can choose our way out of it.�

TB: œThe people with whom you associate will determine the behavior toward which you will gravitate.�

TB: œKeep the trolls away from your dream by not falling for their enticing schemes.�

The now-extinct ancestor of the horse, eohippus, had a short neck, a pug muzzle, and stood no higher than a medium-sized dog.

Massed opposing armies fight each other along a front. The fighting continues for days, and hundreds die. This is not trench warfare among men. The armies are the weaver ants of African forests. The ants are so fierce that when the battle is resolved and the boundaries of the opposing colonies have been fixed, a "no-ant's-land" exists between them where ants from each side do not dare to enter.

"Take a memo" ” Before they made their marks in the entertainment industry, Bette Davis, Naomi Judd, Conan O'Brien, Ellen DeGeneres, Barbara Walters, Rue McCallahan, Irving Thalberg, Lily Tomlin, and Joanne Woodward all held jobs as secretaries.

Penny Marshall was the first woman film director to have a film take in more than $100 million at the box office ” she accomplished this with the 1988 flick Big.

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.); [2-8] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.); [9] (Created and shared by Tony Brigmon) [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

Smile Notes is a FREE broadcast by Tony Brigmon, the Ambassador of FUN. Tony is not the author of any of the material you will experience, unless indicated.

Tony is simply passing along what he finds to be clean fun, insightful quotes and meaningful stories...always giving credit, when possible, to the author of the material, and acknowledging the person who passed it on to him.

Smile Notes is NEVER sent unsolicited. If you have received Smile Notes and haven't requested it, this means someone YOU know likes you, and thinks you might enjoy some G-rated smiles each week, and has simply forwarded Smile Notes to you.

The ONLY way to 'Unsubscribe' in this case is to simply email the person who sent Smile Notes to you and request they stop forwarding Smile Notes to your email address.

If someone actually signed you up without your Authorization, you may 'Unsubscribe', by following the simple directions below. Thanks.

To 'subscribe', go to www.funmeetings.com/subscribe.htm, enter your email address and submit.

To 'unsubscribe', go to www.funmeetings.com/unsubscribe.htm, enter your email address and submit. Yes, It's that EASY.

Several of the more recent copies of Smile Notes can be seen at www.funmeetings.com/smile.html. Enjoy!

At first dreams seem impossible, then improbable, then inevitable. - Christopher Reeve (1952-) American Actor

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus (1913-1960) French Writer

Life is short. Be swift to love! Make haste to be kind! - Henri Frederic Amiel philosopher and writer (1821-1881)

The potential of the average person is like a huge ocean un-sailed, a new continent unexplored, a world of possibilities waiting to be released and channeled toward some great good. - Brian Tracy

Nothing so completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity himself, than straightforward and simple integrity in another. - Charles Caleb Colton, author and clergyman (1780-1832)

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

[3] I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." - Dennis Wholey

"You know, in a way, I feel for this runaway bride. I once put my name on the list at Applebee's, then changed my mind, panicked, and hid behind a Goodwill drop box for a week." - Dennis Miller

"How disgusting is this? Here it is folks, this is the end of the world. A restaurant in Decatur, Georgia is now serving a double bacon cheeseburger that is served between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. We are now officially ancient Rome. This is the end of our civilization as we know it. In fact, they don't know how many calories are in the thing because nobody can count that high!" - Jay Leno

I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, "Let's eat out!" - Unknown

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." - Jeff Stilson

"On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks." - H. Allen Smith

"This has all the earmarks of an eyesore." - James McSheehy, member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting on a construction project he opposed.

My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise. It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr." “ Unwilling to submit name

"A Pennsylvania woman convicted of shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads 'Convicted Shoplifter'. However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading "I'd Rather Be Stealing". - Jimmy Fallon

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them." - Joseph Heller

"A committee is a creature with three or more legs and no brain." - Robert Heinlein

"I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I was doing wrong -- highlighting with a black magic marker." - Jeff Altman

"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kind of like being the guy on a date." - Caroline Rhea

If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been sharp as this Cop.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a Police officer during a felony trial-it went like this....

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender...Do you trust your fellow officers?

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

Q. Now why is it officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's best comeback line and we think he'll win.

[6] I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite gender?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"

The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his own stamp. That shows you how strange life is for race-horses. You win the race, you wind up on the front of a stamp. Lose a race, you wind up on the back.

A guy accidentally puts his car into reverse and backs into a guard rail. So he asks his blonde girlfriend to jump out and tell him if the blinkers are still working.

The blonde walks around to the back of the car and says..."Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."

A blonde is on board a small two-seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams. Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say.

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

TB: œYou must upgrade your actions before you can downgrade your consequences.�

TB: œAnything you would find unpleasant if done to you is definitely NOT something you should do.�

TB: œIf you dont like how youre feeling then change what youre thinking. If thoughts had an odor would yours be stinking?�

TB: œAn adverse feeling is a strong invitation to investigate a false thought (belief) that argues with reality and loses, but only 100% of the time.�

TB: œPay attention to what comes easy and to compliments, too. And youll discover the ˜gifts God has given to you.�

TB: œIts not so much your ability but your availability that others most need.�

TB: œEveryone has a gift and it is yours to discover the gift that is yours and how to use it to serve others.�

The only father and son to hit back-to-back home runs in a major league baseball game? Ken Griffey, Jr., and his father, Ken Griffey, Sr., both of the Seattle Mariners in a game against the California Angels on September 14, 1990.

Charlemagne, the Frankish Emperor, never learned to write; even though he practiced on tablets, he admitted he couldn't master the skill. He learned to read, however.

Prior to Jack Lemmon's film debut in It Should Happen to You (1954), he had steady work in television, appearing in more than 400 shows in a five-year period.

Every bird must eat at least half its own weight in food each day to survive. Young birds need even more. A young robin, for example, eats as much as 14 feet of earthworms a day.

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.); [2-3, 7-8] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.); [5-6] (Shared by alert humor finder Kendra Roper); [9] (Created and shared by Tony Brigmon) [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

[1] Quotes to Ponder...

Being defeated is often only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent. - Marilyn vos Savant 1946-NA

Many a secret that cannot be pried out by curiosity can be drawn out by indifference. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (1917-1986)

Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant. - Horace (65-8 BC) Roman Poet

A stiff apology is a second insult. The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. - G.K. Chesterton, author (1874-1936)

Wisdom comes alone through suffering. - Aeschylus 525-456 BC

-=+=-

[2] My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."

-=+=-

[3] My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

-=+=-

[4] More fun quotes...

"Sometimes people ask me: 'Dave, what is the essence of parenthood?' I always answer: 'Lowering your standards.'" - Dave Barry

"I have a detached retina. Actually, it's not detached. It's more emotionally unavailable." - Nick Arnette

"Which is really crushing our lives more? Paying taxes or doing the taxes. I think it's close." - Jerry Seinfeld

"This year in the US, there are 7 different ways to file your income taxes. Unfortunately, all of them are wrong." - Unknown

"The makers of Bowflex have been ordered to pay a $1 million penalty because some people were injured while using the machine. The company was shocked, and said, "You mean, somebody actually used their Bowflex? Nobody uses their Bowflex!" - Conan O'Brien

"It's spring time and that means prom season. Prom brings back so many horrible memories for me. I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don't know who was more embarrassed “ him or me." - Dave Letterman

"This is interesting. Prince Charles has postponed his wedding to Camila Parker-Bowles, because it was scheduled for the same day as the pope's funeral. When asked about it, Charles said, 'I don't want this enormous, tragic event to compete with the pope's funeral.'" - Conan O'Brien

"Today is the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie. I can't help but think that, in a thousand years when they dig up this civilization, all they're going to find are Twinkies and free CDs from AOL." - Jimmy Kimmel

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." - Oscar Levant

"My father would say things that made no sense at all, like, 'If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn left in front of me.'" - Louie Anderson

"You hear about this? Marvel Comics has forced Hulk Hogan to stop calling himself "Hulk." And for similar reasons, I can no longer call myself 'Wonder Woman.'" - Dave Letterman

"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great “ there goes the sex appeal." - Dave Letterman

-=+=-

[5] After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:

Let me see if I've got this right¦

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me...

NOT TO PRAY???

-=+=-

[6] A Texan, trying to impress a Boston native with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, says... "Why, I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."

"Humpf! Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.

"Paul Revere?!" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"

-=+=-

[7] Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes...

A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. "My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman.

"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

***

Another one? Okay, but remember you asked for it...

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie. "These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so unstylish," I complained. He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?" I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, it's how you play the game!

***

A FINAL one? Alright, but this one is REALLY bad. Brace yourself...

"Do you remember first meeting your wife?"

"Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near
the gutter again."

"Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her."

"Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling."

-=+=-

[8] Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?"

One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there." [Reader's Digest.]

-=+=-

[9] The Truth in My Own Words - by Tony Brigmon

TB: œThe peace of being prepared beats the panic of being scared."
TB: œEmbrace reality and be blessed. Resist reality and be stressed.

TB: œPain is here to test me, then ultimately to bless me."
TB: œIf you resist, it will persist, and the gift you will miss."
TB: œIt is what it is till it aint. And it would if it could, but it cant¦until it can."
TB: œThe blessing is sure when the adversity you endure."
TB: œWhen you see the ˜gift in the reality you will lose your attachment to the misery."
TB: œReality is not what it appears to be. And only through non-resistance are you able to see."
-=+=-

[10] TRIVIA...

Did you know?

On Christmas Day, 1989, Eastern Europe was permitted to celebrate Christmas freely and openly for the first time in decades. Church masses were broadcast live for the first time in history.

If going on safari on horseback in Zimbabwe's untamed savannah, it is recommended by safari guides that travelers not touch any of the trees, as they may be poisonous.

The custom of serving a slice of lemon with fish dates back to the Middle Ages. It was believed that if a person accidentally swallowed a fish bone, the lemon juice would dissolve it.

Flamingo tongues were a common delicacy at Roman feasts.

There are about 130 species of owl.

-=+=-

CONTRIBUTORS...

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.) [2-8] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.) [9] Tony Brigmon [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

[1] Quotes to Ponder...

A hero is a man who does what he can. - Roman Rollard

Courage without conscience is a wild beast. - Robert Green Ingersoll, lawyer and orator (1833-1899)

I find that it is not the circumstances in which we are placed, but the spirit in which we face them, that constitutes our comfort. - Elizabeth T. King

Wrongs are often forgiven, but contempt never is. Our pride remembers it forever. - Lord Chesterfield, statesman and writer (1694-1773)

Pa, he always said a man had to look spry for himself, because nobody else would do it for him; your opportunities didn't come knocking around, you had to hunt them up and hog-tie them. - Louis L'Amour, author

-=+=-

[2] A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

-=+=-

[3] Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.

Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day...they mean it!"

-=+=-

[4] More fun quotes...

"I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!" - Unknown

"I read in the paper today about a restaurant opened in Philadelphia that serves nothing but cereals. An all cereal restaurant! There's a way to impress a date. 'I'll have the Count Chocula, the lady will have the Frankenberry.'" - Jay Leno

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once." - Jennifer Unlimited

"A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error." - Dennis Miller

"The government issued a safety recall today on 800,000 Bowflex exercise machines. The good news: No one was hurt, because no one ever actually used a Bowflex." - Jay Leno

"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's flat." - Buzz Nutley

"New York City salespeople can be sort of snooty during the holidays. I went into F.A.O. Schwartz and asked a salesman for something that would appeal to a one year old and he said, 'How about your show?'" - Dave Letterman

"We don't have user-centricity. Until we understand context, which is way beyond presence--presence is the most trivial notion of context." - Bill Gates attempting to explain his company's .net initiative.

"Boy there's a lot of changes in the nightly newscast. Tom Brokaw is stepping down. Dan Rather is stepping down. Soon the most trusted man in television could wind up being Geraldo Rivera." - Jay Leno

"I had general anesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college." - Ross Shafer

The sentence in the Thanksgiving edition of my church bulletin intended to say: 'Thank you, Lord, for the many miracles we are too blind to see.' But in what might have been a classic Freudian slip, the sentence read: 'Thank you, Lord, for the many miracles we are too blond to see.'

"I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a shark attacks, you should poke it in the eyes! Who wrote that, the Three Stooges?" - Larry Reeb

"According to a new holiday survey by the people at match.com, Portland, Oregon, is the number one city in America where men and women prefer to date someone who is chubby and overweight. In fact, their idea of a romantic night: dinner, a movie, more dinner, and then a snack." - Jay Leno

"I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise one." - Unknown

-=+=-

[5] Spelling? No problem....

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mind. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

-=+=-

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

-=+=-

[7] Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes...

Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God's command and go forth and multiply.

"Well," said Noah. "I'll have to ask the Lord what to do about that." And so he prayed to God and said, "These snakes won't go forth and multiply"

And God said, "Don't worry. Find some trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform."

"But how will that help the snakes?" asked Noah.

"Easy," replied God, "Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!"

***

Another one? Okay, but remember you asked for it...

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

***

One final one? Alright, but brace yourself. This one is REALLY BAD...

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

***

Okay, Okay, I lied...again. Couldn't resist adding this one...

A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.

"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."

-=+=-

[8] A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; while his hobby was golf.

The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, 'Fore!'

His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'

-=+=-

[9] The Truth in My Own Words - by Tony Brigmon

Truth...

"To win with Truth you must blend with Truth."

"Self-centered imagination leads to degradation, while Truth-centered imagination leads to celebration."

"When Truth is the surgeon the surgery cannot fail."

"When you are free of your own 'self-trap' you are free of the traps of others."

"The negativity of another can only affect you to the degree that it exists within you."

-=+=-

[10] TRIVIA...

Did you know?

Approximately 165 million Easter cards are purchased each year in the U.S.

A Jerusalem artichoke is not an artichoke, it is a sunflower.

Hitler was voted "Time Magazine's" man of the year in 1938.

Jacques-Yves Cousteau invented the aqualung, the self-contained device that supplies air under pressure for underwater divers.

Eskimos have more than twenty words to describe snow.

-=+=-

CONTRIBUTORS...

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.) [2-8] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.) [9] Tony Brigmon [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

[1] After examining a woman the doctor took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

-=+=-

[2] The pastor of a local church was wearing his clerical collar while visiting his wife who was in the hospital for minor surgery. He stopped in to see her and chatted with her for quite some time. Before leaving, he leaned down and gave his wife a great passionate kiss and left the room.

The woman in the next bed over stared in disbelief. After the pastor left, the stunned woman spoke to her roommate, "You know, I've been a faithful member of my church all my life, but my pastor has never even come close to treating me as well as yours does!"

-=+=-

[3] A women's prayer....

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him: and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death! Amen!

-=+=-

[4] More fun quotes...

"What they put women through today when they're having a baby! They don't want to medicate them, as compared to previous generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication, she didn't wake up till I was seven." - Dennis Wolfberg

"They are now reporting that the Grand Canyon is having a financial crisis. They say there might not be enough money to keep it going. How did the Grand Canyon make it this far?" - Jay Leno

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. - Arnold Brown

"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that." - Milton Jones

"I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: 'This door is alarmed.' I said to myself: 'How do you think I feel?'" - Arnold Brown

"I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up." - Tom Lehrer

"This guy told me he thought I was attractive. And when I get a nice compliment I like to take it in, swish it around in my brain... until it becomes an insult." - Sheila Wenz

"Batman got his name because he fell into a bat cave as a young boy. Good thing he didn't fall into a gopher hole." - Paul McGinty

"When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He said, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'" - Jerry Lewis

When a man brings his wife a gift for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee

A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly." All good companies have one. - Unknown

"Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by 9:00 p.m." - Ronald Reagan

"When they said to you at graduation, 'Follow your dream,' did anybody say you have to wake up first?" - Bill Cosby

"I have a detached retina. Actually, it's not detached. It's emotionally unavailable." - Nick Arnette

-=+=-

[5] A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"

"Well...yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"

-=+=-

[7] Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes...

I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.

"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.

The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."

***

Another one? Okay, but remember you asked for it...

An herpetologist (snake expert) brought several snakes to show a class at the local community college. A young, brunette went up to him after the class to ask more about the snakes. She wanted to know if he had ever been bitten by a poisonous snake.

He said "Yep, several times. Most recently a rattler bit me right here", and he showed the scar on his arm where the snake had sunk it's fangs.

She looked at the man in awe and asked, "And you lived!?"

He looked at her, surprised, then grinned and said "You're really a blonde, aren't you?"

***

One final one? Alright, but brace yourself. This one is REALLY BAD...

A church-going cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

The next morning a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes!

He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heaven-ward and exclaimed, "Praise God! It's a miracle!"

"Not really...." said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."

***

Okay, Okay, I lied...again. Couldn't resist adding this one...

When my wife and I went up to New England a couple of years ago we decided to stay in one of those quaint little inns. The clerk at the inn asked me if we wanted a room with a shower or a tub.

"What's the difference?" I asked.

"Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down."

-=+=-

[8] The Truth in My Own Words...

One of my favorite writing exercises is to copy down a quote I like, and then "capture it" in my own words. This not only sparks creativity within me, but also allows me to hang on to the spirit (Truth) of the original quote.

Then I take the new version and restate it again in my own words, using different words. By the time I've done this 4-5 times, I have new thoughts, insights and increased energy. I highly recommend this exercise.

Example: "Mental notes aren't worth the paper it's written on."

I captured the spirit of that quote in the following ways...
(TB = Tony Brigmon)

TB: "Put that thought on paper before it's lost in vapor."

TB: "To file it in your mind is a real waste of time."

TB: "Use your mind for thinking. Use pen and paper for recall."

TB: "What's on paper you can use. What's in your head you will lose."

TB: "A fleeting good thought may come for a short visit. But it needs a written invitation to stay."

-=+=-

[9] A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

-=+=-

[10] TRIVIA...

Did you know?

Okonomiyaki is considered to be Japan's answer to pizza. It consists of a potpourri of grilled vegetables, noodles, and meat or seafood, between two pancake-like layers of fried batter.

The easiest sound for the human ear to hear, and those which carry best when pronounced, are, in order, "ah," "aw," "eh," and "oo."

The world's largest silver nugget, weighing 1,840 pounds, was found in 1894 near Aspen, Colorado.

The Pentagon was allowed to choose some of the clothes that John
Travolta wore in the movie Broken Arrow so that the military would be portrayed positively.

In the blockbuster hit, E.T., the Extra Terrestrial (1982), Harrison Ford was cast as the school principal, but his only scene was cut. Director Steven Spielberg decided his presence in the film would be too distracting. Ford's wife Melissa Mathison wrote E.T.'s screenplay.

-=+=-

CONTRIBUTORS...

[1-7, 9] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.) [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

[1] Quotes to Ponder...

"Hanging onto resentment is like letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head." - Ann Landers

The first forty years of life give us the text; the next thirty supply the commentary on it. -Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher (1788-1860)

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon, essayist, philosopher, and statesman (1561-1626)

Decide on what you think is right, and stick to it. - George Eliot (1819-1880) English Novelist

The world is good-natured to people who are good natured. - William Makepeace Thackeray

-=+=-

[2] A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"

Jerry answered, "Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, it's three dollars a pound!'"

-=+=-

[3] Carole was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother's wedding gown. When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Suddenly, her mother's eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Carole lovingly said, "Don't cry, Mom. Remember, you aren't losing a daughter, you're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" her mother sobbed. "I used to fit into that gown!"

-=+=-

[4] More fun quotes...

"You can't lose weight without exercise. But I've got a philosophy about exercise. I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did. Drag your lips around the block a couple times." - Guy Owen

"Does anyone know if 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day' is the same day as 'Lock Your Son Up in a Closet Day?'...because it would really save me some time." - Bob Van Voris

"When it came to spankings, my dad never used a belt. One time he grabbed a piece of my Hot Wheels race car track. In my mind I'm thinking, 'Great, now I'm being beaten with my own toys...' Thank God I didn't get that wood burning set I wanted." - Scott Wood

"I got a wonderful tribute at the airport. They fired 21 shots in the air in my honor. Of course, it would've been nicer if they'd waited for the plane to land." - Bob Hope

"It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it." - Kin Hubbard

"If you haven't heard; Oprah Winfrey celebrated the first show of her 19th season by giving every member of the audience a new car. She gave away 276 cars. We're doing something even better for our audience. Everybody here will get a picture of me standing next to my 276 cars." - Jay Leno

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison

"He's the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you." - Adam Christing

"Peter remained on friendly terms with Jesus notwithstanding Christ's having healed his mother-in-law." - Nicholar Murray Butler

"Dad's are born without the sympathy gene. You can break your leg, hobble into your house, and all your dad will do is look over the paper and grumble, 'Shake it off!'" - Robert G. Lee

"Some people have a hard time believing that all of those animals could fit inside Noah's ark. But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark without a single power tool." - Bill Jones

"We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem, of course, is that someone will win." - Barry Crimmins

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people." - Gilbert Keith Chesterton

"As an entertainer I travel a lot. I once saw a pin on a Delta Airlines employee and I asked him what 'Delta' stands for. He said, 'Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive.'" - Adam Christing

"I have a detached retina. Actually, it's not detached. It's emotionally unavailable." - Nick Arnette

-=+=-

[5] "My dad's a writer. His favorite expression is 'The pen's mightier than the sword,' which I believed for a long time...until I moved into the city, and I got into a fight with this guy. He cut me up real bad, and I drew a mustache on his face...and then I wrote him a nasty letter." - Kevin Brennan

-=+=-

[7] Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes...

We have a new employee, Jose, at the local Home Depot and he has proven to be very knowledgeable and helpful to the sawdust challenged like myself.

Yesterday I needed his guidance after ruining several pieces of wood with my newly purchased belt sander. A fast trip to the store led to the retro question, "Do you know the way to sand, Jose?"

***

Another one? Okay, but remember you asked for it...

The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?"

"Maybe," replied beautician, "Does he drink a lot?"

***

One final one? Alright, but brace yourself. This one is REALLY BAD...

A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man come hurling headfirst through the window.

"What on earth are you up to? What happened?!" he demanded.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of the brick."

***

Okay, Okay, I lied...again. Couldn't resist adding this one...

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test.

They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "Heck, I know the guy."

-=+=-

[8] A young college girl came running in tears to her father.

"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

-=+=-

[9] A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie - and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

She half opened one eye. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

-=+=-

[10] TRIVIA...

Did you know?

In every hour that one listens to the radio in the United States, one hears approximately 11,000 spoken words.

From one cord of wood, 7.5 million toothpicks can be produced.

Camel milk is the only milk that doesn't curdle when boiled.

It is estimated that the average person living in North America opens the fridge 22 times daily.

From the monarchs' investment of $6,000 in Columbus's first voyage, Spain had a return of $1,750,000 in gold after only one century.

-=+=-

CONTRIBUTORS...

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.) [2-9] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.) [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

[1] Quotes to Ponder...

The nearest way to glory -- a shortcut, as it were -- is to strive to be what you wish to be thought to be - quoted in Cicero, 44 BC. -- Socrates (469-399 BC) Greek Philosopher

Your children need your presence more than your presents. - Jesse Jackson, clergyman and civil rights leader (1941- )

Other men are lenses through which we read our own minds. - Ralph Waldo Emerson , writer and philosopher (1803-1882)

A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) American Psychologist

A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying that he is wiser today than he was yesterday. -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744) English Poet

-=+=-

[2] In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"

-=+=-

[3] I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious).

She and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes. I was going to call it, "The Buck Stops Here," and my slogan was going to be, "Bambi: You've seen the movie. Now, eat the star!"

-=+=-

[4] More fun quotes...

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be designated driver." -- Jay Leno

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." - Mark Twain

"[Arnold Schwarzenegger and I] both married above ourselves, we both have trouble with the English language, we both have big biceps - well, two out of three aren't bad." - George W. Bush

"Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly." - Conan O'Brien

"Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it." - Mark Twain

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." - Steven Wright

-=+=-

[5] A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing there called after him, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man."

-=+=-

[6] While I was serving as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there. His two month old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving medical treatments at the base hospital.

I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file, he looked at me in disbelief. "Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?" he asked. When I answered yes, he told me, "It says here that you turn blue when you cry."

-=+=-

[7] Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes...

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie. "These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so unstylish," I complained. He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?" I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, it's how you play the game!

***

Another one? Okay, but remember you asked for it...

A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.

They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"

***

One final one? Alright, but brace yourself. This one is REALLY BAD...

John: "What are you reading?"
Andy: "It's a book about electricity."
John: "Oh, current events?"
Andy: "No, just some light reading."

***

Okay, Okay, I lied. Couldn't resist adding this one...

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt."

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.

-=+=-

[8] On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."

-=+=-

[9] One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"

-=+=-

[10] TRIVIA...

Did you know?

On November 22, 1989, in Minneapolis, Kirby Puckett signed a three-year, $9 million contract, becoming the first baseball player to earn $3 million a year.

Rap music star - Vanilla Ice's real name is Robert Van Winkle.

As a child, Beethoven made such a poor impression on his music teachers that he was pronounced hopeless as a composer. Even Haydn, who taught him harmony, did not recognize Beethoven's potential genius.

The name of the statuette atop the hood of every Rolls Royce car is: The Spirit of Ecstasy.

Before all-porcelain false teeth were perfected in the mid-19th century, dentures were commonly made with teeth pulled from the mouths of dead soldiers following a battle. Teeth extracted from U.S. Civil War soldier cadavers were shipped to England by the barrel to dentists.

-=+=-

CONTRIBUTORS...

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.) [2-9] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.) [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

[1] Quotes to Ponder...

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears. - Glenn Clark

A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday. - Alexander Pope, poet (1688-1744)

If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom. - Dwight D. Eisenhower, U.S. general and 34th president (1890-1969)

To get your ideas across use small words, big ideas, and short sentences. - John Henry Patterson

You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips. - Oliver Goldsmith (1728-1774) Irish Writer

-=+=-

[2] Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bath-room changing out of her hospital gown."

-=+=-

[3] From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."

-=+=-

[4] More fun quotes...

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart." - E. Cummings (1894-1962)

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. - Unknown

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last night it took four state troopers and a dog. - Unknown

"My girlfriend is not a ball and chain--she's more of a spring-loaded trap." - Kevin Hench

Northwest Airlines announced a new slogan today: 'Where the heck are we?'" - Jay Leno

"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'" - Kathleen Madigan

"My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage." - Glen Super

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." - Bertrand Russell

-=+=-

[5] Long, unproductive meetings are often the bane of corporate life.

My very funny boss at the software company where I work has come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut business conferences short before they start rambling out of control. There comes a time when he announces, "All those opposed to my plan say, 'I resign.'"

End of meeting. [Reader's Digest]

-=+=-

[6] On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company,
I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."

"It's the one on fire," he replied.

-=+=-

[7] Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes...

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goliath.
Goliath who?
Goliath down, you looketh tired.

***

Another one? Okay, but remember you asked for it...

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.

I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."

***

One final one? Alright, but brace yourself. This one is REALLY BAD...

A suspect was arrested recently for attacking a man in a rice field with a small ceramic figurine.

It's the first case on record of a knick-knack paddy whack.

***

Okay, Okay, I lied. Couldn't resist adding this one...

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. "Now, what?"

-=+=-

[8] The passenger noticed by the license that his cab driver's name was "Winston Churchill." Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is Winston Churchill."

The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my moniker."

The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter said, "That's a pretty famous name."

The driver responded with: "As well it should be too. I've been driving a cab here for over forty years."

-=+=-

[9] A man went to his doctor for his annual physical. After the exam, the doctor said, "I'm sorry Frank, but you have a condition that is terminal. You have just 8 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Frank said, "I haven't felt better in years. This can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

The doctor paused, then said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly, Frank asked, "Will that cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will help you get used to the dirt."

-=+=-

[10] TRIVIA...

Did you know?

When cows graze in their natural head-down position, their saliva production increases by 17 percent.

Every time a ton of steel is recycled, it means 2,500 pounds of iron ore, 1,000 pounds of coal, and 40 pounds of limestone will not have to be mined from the Earth.

Englishmen of the 16th and 17th centuries believed that no one who lay upon feathers could die in peace. Therefore, when death approached, the pillow was withdrawn from under the dying person's head to ease the passing.

Unlike dolphins, porpoises are not very sociable.

In 1937 the emergency 999 telephone service was established in London. More than 13,000 genuine calls were made in the first month.

-=+=-

CONTRIBUTORS...

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.) [2-9] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.) [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

[1] Quotes to Ponder...

Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun. - Mary Lou Cook

Man is so made that whenever anything fires his soul, impossibilities vanish. - Jean de la Fontaine

The drying up a single tear has more of honest fame than shedding seas of gore. - Lord Byron, poet (1788-1824)

It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it. - Upton Sinclair, novelist and reformer (1878-1968)

The people with whom you work reflect your own attitude. If you are suspicious, unfriendly and condescending, you will find these unlovely traits echoed all about you. But if you are on your best behavior, you will bring out the best in the persons with whom you are going to spend most of your waking hours. - Beatrice Vincent

-=+=-

[2] And you thought you had a tough job...

Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."

She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"

-=+=-

[3] The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling.

"Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE BUTTER! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving with you sitting next to me."

-=+=-

[4] More Fun Quotes...

"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window." - Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants. - Unknown

"According to "USA Today" the new trend in furniture is furniture made of concrete. You thought it was hard finding friends to help you move before!" - Jay Leno

"Addidas is coming out with a new $250 smart running shoe. This shoe is so smart it makes you spend $250 on it!" - Jay Leno

"No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldnt work anyway." - Unknown. Shared by Rob Ghio

"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'" - Kathleen Madigan

-=+=-

[5] I manage a discount bookstore and was amused by a phone conversation one of my salesclerks had with a new computer user. The caller asked if we carried "Linux for Dummies."

"No," the clerk replied, "but we do sell "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Linux."

The man groaned and said, "No...The Complete Idiot's Guide to Linux is way over my head!"

-=+=-
[6] [This joke is just plain stupid. But for some reason, I found it irresistible. Not surprisingly, the person who sent it in did not provide a name. I apologize in advance.]

The hunched back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.

DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir. (Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)

HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.

DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)

HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.

DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? (Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)

DOCTOR: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?

HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?

DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?

-=+=-

[7] Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes...

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.

The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

***

Another one? Okay, but remember you asked for it...

A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.

"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady. "For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.

"Oh, I don't know," she replied. "Whichever one will grow the fastest."

***

One final one? Alright, but brace yourself. This one is really bad...

Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-alike apologized, "Pardon me!"

"That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look just like my fourth husband."

"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"

She winked at him and said, "Three."

***

Okay, Okay, I lied. Couldn't resist adding this one...

Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."

-=+=-

[8] If you're in the job market right now you might want to familiarize yourself with the Human Resources Lingo...

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

[9] One fine day, Jim and Bill are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bill, come here; I've got some trouble down here."

Bill comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim? Everything OK?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7."

-=+=-

[10] TRIVIA...

Did you know?

The publishing rights to "Stormy Weather" and "Hello, Dolly!," as well as the soundtracks from "Grease," "Mame," "Annie," and "A Chorus Line" are owned by rock star Paul McCartney.

Medical experts are perturbed that TV medical dramas suggest that people who receive CPR usually recover; the truth is, only about 15 percent of victims survive after receiving CPR.

The only 15-letter word in the English language that can be written without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."

Priests in ancient Egyptian temples plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

When energy is used, it doesn't disappear; it merely goes elsewhere or is changed into another form.

-=+=-

CONTRIBUTORS...

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.) [2-9] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.) [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

[1] Quotes to Ponder...

"Preventing anyone from learning from his own mistake is a great mistake." - Vernon Howard

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. -H.G. Wells, writer (1866-1946)

Men cannot see their reflection in running water, but only in still water. - Chuang Tzu, philosopher (c. 4th century BCE)

A friend is one who sees through you and still enjoys the view. - Wilma Askinas (1926- ) American Author

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them. - Malcolm Forbes (1919-1990) American Publisher

-=+=-

[2] "I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba."

-=+=-

[3] Follow the instructions below for the genuine thrill that comes with discovering your blues name: From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name. From the second list, do the same with your middle name. From the third, your surname.

First List:
A=Fat; B=Muddy ; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin';
G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty;
M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny;
S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=FatBoy;
Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye

Second List:
A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer;
H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot;
O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken;
V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke

Third List:
A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown;
G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker;
M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson;
S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson;
Y=Blue; Z=Allison

[Turns out I'm Big-Eyes McGee.]

-=+=-

[4] More Fun Quotes...

"The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when the man grows the hair on one side of his head very long and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect that looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large tropical spider." - Dave Barry

"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in." - Mick Miller

"I've been studying up on some of my Las Vegas facts - did you know, on the average, 151 people get married every day in Las Vegas. One hundred and fifty-one. You know, shouldn't that be an even number? Maybe I'm wrong." - Jay Leno

"Most of the men in this town think monogamy is some kind of wood." - Amy Yasbeck as Peggy Brandt in "The Mask".

"According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day." - Jimmy Fallon

"I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get." - Rodney Dangerfield

"My boyfriend won't see anything he terms a 'chick flick'. That's any film where a woman talks." - Maura Kennedy

"My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least, that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary." - Drake Sather

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water." -Franklin P. Jones

-=+=-

[5] One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

-=+=-

[6] Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that a shrubbery was on fire. He banged on the rectory door and told the woman who opened it she'd better call the fire department.

She ran to the phone to place the call. She identified herself, gave the location, and explained the situation.

"You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a burning bush on the church lawn, and you want us to put it out?!?"

-=+=-

[7] Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes...

A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you...

The prisoner says, " Okay. What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution...you go to the chair at 7 PM tonight." " Oh, that's horrible. What possibly could be the good news?"

"The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!"

~~~

Another one? Okay, but remember you asked for it.

"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."

"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."

~~~

One final one? Alright. But brace yourself. This one is REALLY bad...

A man by the name of Tates designed the very first compass for large-scale production and sale in the United States.

It was a very significant achievement, but alas, it proved not to be too reliable and many people who relied on it became hopelessly lost. It did however, cause a saying which
is very much in use today to be developed...

He who has a Tates is lost.

~~~

Gotta have one more? You got it...

A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher, "I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and
I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!"

-=+=-

[8] A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

[9]

The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____.

I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

-=+=-

[10] TRIVIA...

Did you know?

There are more than 50,000 earthquakes throughout the world every year.

TV show creator Sherwood Schwartz originally intended the title of "The Brady Bunch" series to be "Yours and Mine." Gene Hackman was the first choice to play Mike Brady, but Paramount turned him down as an unknown television actor.

Ragtime music was tremendously popular, and it flourished for more than 20 years. When the music publishing industry, called "Tin Pan Alley," began selling rags in the late 1800's, the music was too complicated for the average pianist to play. Sheet music had to be considerably simplified for sales. Ragtime musicians often earned substantial income by teaching the ragtime style.

In 435 B.C., the Greek philosopher Anaxagoras suggested that the sun was not just a small glowing circle of light. He maintained that it was a glowing rock a hundred miles across. For that outrageous statement, he was exiled from Athens.

Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries.

-=+=-

CONTRIBUTORS...

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.)
[2-9] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.)
[10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

[1] Quotes to Ponder...

Fear is the opportunity for courage, not proof of cowardice. - John McCain

If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances. - Julia Sorel 1926-

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. - Joseph Addison, writer (1672-1719)

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it! - Jonathan Winters

Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant. - Horace (65-8 BC) Roman Poet

Being defeated is often only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent. - Marilyn vos Savant 1946-NA

-=+=-

[2] Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!"

-=+=-

[3] The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk.

"Forty dollars."

The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty. "I'll take one spur."

"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.

The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the Horse movin', the other side'll go too."

-=+=-

[4] My name, Leone, is a feminine spelling of Leon, which often causes confusion. When my car registration arrived marked œM" for male, I sent it back to the motor-vehicle bureau with this request: "I am an 'F.' Would you please make the correction?"

The bureau promptly sent me another form. It read: "Please give the reason for this change." [Thanks to Reader's Digest.]

-=+=-

[5] A young man took a farm girl into town for a date at a fancy Restaurant. While studying the menu she asked, "What's filet mignon?"

Thinking fast, her date replied, "It's pickled goat's liver. Why?"

-=+=-

[6] Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

-=+=-

[7] Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will..." - Here are some other Laws you may not have heard!

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway

Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply.

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

-=+=-

[8] More Fun Quotes...

"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home." - Groucho Marx

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them own? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." - Jack Handey

"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change." - Jay Leno

"A Pennsylvania woman convicted of shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads 'Convicted Shoplifter'. However, her laywers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading "I'd Rather Be Stealing". - Jimmy Fallon

"No matter how low your own self-esteem, there are probably others who think less of you." - David S. Brown

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, And the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook

"What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a good idea." - Mahatma Ghandi

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison

"Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a difference between having an open mind and having holes in one's head?" - Richard Schultz

"It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it." - Kin Hubbard

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. - Unknown, although I have my suspicions

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. - Unknown

-=+=-

[9] Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes...

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

~~~

Another one? Okay, but remember you asked for it...

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where do ya'll go ta'school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but answered his question anyway,

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO YA'LL GO TA'SCHOOL!?"

~~~

A FINAL one? Alright, but brace yourself. This one is really BAD...

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

-=+=-

[10] TRIVIA...

Did you know?

The word "gazelle" comes from the Arabian term for "affectionate," and it is believed to be inspired by the creature's large, gentle eyes.

Because it is continually losing body heat, the shrew must keep moving to stay warm. If inactive for more than a few hours, the animal will lose enough body heat to freeze to death.

The most carnivorous of all bears is the polar bear. Its diet consists almost entirely of seals and fish.

A squirrel has no color vision, it sees only in black and white. Every part of its field of vision, however, is in perfect focus, not just straight ahead, as with humans.

A bibliophile is a collector of rare books. A bibliopole is a seller of rare books.

-=+=-

CONTRIBUTORS...

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.)
[2-9] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.)
[10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

[1] Quotes to Ponder...

Nothing is more endangered in the modern world than the powerful combination of hard work toward meaningful goals joined with an exuberant embrace of the present moment. - Tom Morris

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. - Confucius (Chinese Philosopher) 551-479 B.C.

There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up. - Booker T. Washington

Never spend your money before you have it. - Thomas Jefferson, third US president, architect and author (1743-1826)

Aim at the sun and you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far higher than if you had aimed at an object on a level with yourself. - F. Hawes

-=+=-

[2] At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music they would like to enter the service to.

One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."

The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

-=+=-

[3] My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"

-=+=-

[4] To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye.

"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

-=+=-

[5] A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."

"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

"Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!"

"You're talking to him," said the farmer.

-=+=-

[6] More Fun Quotes...

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot." - Jay Leno

"I'm trying to figure out what to give my lady friend for Valentine's Day. They say diamonds are forever - what says 'this is for the next month and a half'?" - Craig Kilborn

"I saw a sign that said, 'Coming Soon - a 24-Hour Restaurant'. And I thought, ˜Well, that's unusual. Why would they open and close it so quickly? At least try it for a week or two, and see if you can build a clientele." - George Carlin

Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace. Mozart composed by candlelight. Galileo invented by oil lamp. Didn't they ever think to do their work during the daytime? - Jersey Tomato

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says..."If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER." So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?" - Unknown

-=+=-

[7] Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes...

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, It's not very absorbent and you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

***

Another one? Okay, but you asked for it...

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

So the both started yelling, "Together! Together!"

***

One final one? Alright, but brace yourself, this one is really BAD...

A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"

The southern belle replied, "My lands! What do y'all walk on?"

***

Okay. Okay. One more but this is it...

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."

-=+=-

[8] A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."

-=+=-

[9] A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

-=+=-

[10] TRIVIA...

Did you know?

The comedy team of Wayne and Shuster, who were legends in the history of Canadian entertainment, appeared a record 67 times on the Ed Sullivan television show.

The death rate from cardiovascular diseases “ heart attack, hardening of the arteries, and so on “ has decreased in the United States since 1950.

France had the first supermarket in the world. It was started by relatives of the people who started the Texas Big Bear supermarket chain.

Steve Martin studied philosophy at California State University at Long Beach, and for a time, considered becoming a philosophy professor instead of an actor-comedian-writer.

Honeybees navigate using the sun as a compass, even when it is hidden behind clouds - they find it via the polarization of ultraviolet light from areas of blue sky.

-=+=-

CONTRIBUTORS...

[1] (Seen at http://wordsmith.org/ and http://www.quotes2u.com/.) [2-9] (Seen at http://www.shagmail.com/.) [10] (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/)

Smile Notes is a FREE broadcast compiled by Tony Brigmon, the Ambassador of FUN. It is NEVER sent unsolicited.

To 'Subscribe', just enter your email address, and click on the 'Subscribe me to Smile Notes!' button.